A close friend and I were having a conversation about her dad recently. Her dad has a great sense of humor. He is always the life of the party, has a funny joke, or an amusing story to share. He connects with strangers, friends and loved ones with a twinkle in his eye and a broad smile on his face. Growing up, friends liked to be at her house because her Dad was so entertaining. Sometimes she wondered if her friends thought her Dad was cooler than she was. Showing the world that he is an optimist is important to him, and that is his way of being.
But what happens when life’s storm clouds roll through? Inevitably as a child, she would have experiences of discontent, sadness, overwhelm, heartache, fear, or anger. As all people do, right? And his response to her tears was to try to cheer her up or to make her smile. It was like gold to him if he could turn her tears into laughter. He told her that at least she didn’t have it so bad, that it could have been worse. He wanted her to see that the glass was half-full, when all she saw was a broken glass. As long as she was smiling again, he felt better.
Somehow through the years she began to feel a sense of shame for having any so-called ‘negative’ emotions. It seemed like it was not okay to feel anything other than wonderful. If she was feeling bad, she certainly didn’t want to let her Dad know. It wasn’t okay if she was less than ‘perfect,’ and it was probably a sign of weakness anyway. She learned it was important to not let anyone see her cry. And what does she do when she notices those uncomfortable feelings arising? Stuff them down and put a lid on them. Heap extra helpings of positive mental attitude, affirmations, and good cheer on top of that lid to make sure it stays on.
As a parent I have a front row seat to my children’s emotions, and I think about how things were with my friend and her dad. I get to witness the entire spectrum of my children's emotions. Front row seats. And yes, I must admit, internally I sometimes feel uncomfortable when my children are having BIG emotions, and I want to do something to make the unhappiness go away for them. Because really, as a parent, my wish is for my children to have flourishing and happy lives, and it pains me to see them struggle.
Luckily I have been fortunate enough to have learned about compassionate communication, and to get a glimpse into what could be possible with allowing all emotions in. It was eye-opening for me to learn that as humans we all want to feel ‘felt.’ I learned that if I can accept my children for their full range of human emotions, they will feel loved for who they are, and not just for who they think they ‘should’ be. And I have also learned that in sharing the wide gamut of my emotions, not only the pretty ones, that I am more open to receive support. As a bonus, I try to model for my children that all emotions are acceptable.
When I observe my children crying, I make the effort to put an arm around them and ask about what they are feeling. Sometimes it is difficult for them to articulate, so I will throw out a few guesses. “Did it hurt your feelings when your sister yelled at you?” “It seemed like that was really scary for you.” “That was frustrating when I was moving around so quickly and I didn’t listen to what you were saying, wasn’t it?” Or when they were very young or when they’re quite upset, a single word can do the trick. “Sad?” And I know when I have gotten close to the emotion they were experiencing by the nod of the head or the exhale. At times the tears flow even more. Sometimes the words flow more. Sometimes we sit in silence just snuggling. But seeing the process all the way through, and not trying to change the emotions that are there, has paid off for us in connection.
Sometimes I have an internal celebration when I see my son cry. Not because he’s sad – no, that part breaks my heart. But I appreciate that he can be himself in all of the feelings that come up for him. I hold hope that as he matures into manhood he maintains his ability to cry and feel all of his feelings. And, I still hope he learns some good jokes along the way.
