My perspective of Halloween is much different as a parent than it was as a child. Halloween in my youth was spent canvassing the neighborhood, most often with a coat covering my costume against the chill in the air of autumn nights in Colorado. My feet traversed the streets, with the earthy smell of decaying leaves underfoot. Sometimes we had to tread carefully so as not to slip and spill the evening’s loot in the steadily mounting snow.
And now, as an adult, everything has been turned upside down. I walk along in the light, as Halloween is in spring, not autumn, in New Zealand and the days are markedly lengthening. Will I ever grow accustomed to the fragrant scents of jasmine and wisteria gently wafting through the air on this night set aside for haunting? And now rather than trying to fit in ‘just one more house’, and another ‘just one more house’, my mind considers how much sugar my children actually need, what are these individually wrapped packages doing to the environment, and will my children get a good enough night’s sleep tonight to be able to tolerate each other tomorrow? It was so much more fun as a child, leaving practicalities aside!
Trick or treating looks different from my adult sidewalk vantage point than it did from my childhood porch step view. I observe the group of children I’m accompanying. Some feel scared, some feel shy, some feel emboldened to try on a false bravado in the quest for candy.
I wonder… is it easier to be in this world wearing a mask?
I ponder how can we as parents be emotional coaches for our children? How can we teach our children to stand firmly as themselves, and not mask their true feelings? From early on in our children’s lives we can model for them how to cope with emotions. They observe and take in how we handle our feelings – especially the big ones like anger, sadness, and fear. This modeling goes a long way in shaping how our children will cope with their own emotions, and teaches them to become more self-regulating.
I notice my own daughter, who is now the ring-leader of her trick-or-treating group. She is the one who confidently knocks on the door. She is the one performing the tricks on request. And it wasn’t always like this for her. I remember Halloweens past when she felt too shy to approach the strangers' doors. She clutched my hand in terror, begging me to not leave her side. It was all so scary and overwhelming. And gradually she found her courage, as we were there by her side to let her know it was okay.
As parents we must model for our children how we would like them to be in this world, we must show them what our values are by living them ourselves. Our children take their biggest cues from us, their parents, as to how to behave and react in this world.
For me, it is important to live this life as my authentic self, to be who I really am, not who I'm guessing others are expecting me to be. I want my children to feel safe in letting their true colors shine through too. When I let my children see my emotions, all of them – the joyful, the scared, the exuberant, the angry, they learn to stand with their emotions as well. In being emotional coaches for our children, we teach them to interact in the world without the mask, and teach them to unfold into their true selves.
Though I must say, taking time for play and dressing up is important too. That's something I want to model for my children for certain!
The scariest part of Halloween is knocking on stranger’s doors, and talking to unknown people, isn't it, sweet child?
You never know what you’ll get… pure untapped potential.
Trick or treat, frightening or sweet?
So much easier to muster the courage to knock while hiding behind a mask.
The real feelings of terror stay hidden inside, obscured.
My child, I'll wait at the curb as you venture forth, stretching your wings each time.
Then come back to me. I will be there… waiting, watching, keeping you safe.
My children, come home to me. I'll help you find yourselves again as we unzip your costumes, fold them up, and put them away for another year.
Return to your authentic selves. Ah, the true you.
Come, I will hold the bowl of warm water to wash the paint from your face. Together we'll wipe away the last traces that disguise you.
I will help you find your true colors again.
