Hello lovely parents,
Wishing you all a Happy New Year. This is a time of year when parents and children are spending more time together, and I’d like to give you a parenting tip that can give you some ease in your relationship. It’s all about compassionate listening. Watch the video or read the article to find out more.
As humans, being listened to and being heard are our hearts’ desires. They are core needs for everybody - adults and children alike.
So often when parents come to me seeking assistance they would like to know what words to say to their children. They’d like to know the script to make their children clean their rooms, to make their children get out the door on time, to make their children get in the car, to make their children stop fighting, to make their children do their homework, to make their children stop talking back to them, et cetera, et cetera. But what if it’s not so much about what we say to our children? What if it is about our capacity to listen to our children?
The basic and very important tip I’d like to share with you is about listening compassionately to your children. And this might mean making a shift in the way that you listen.
So how do you listen compassionately? There are a few components that can be helpful in listening compassionately. Here are a few ideas of what you can bring to your listening…
-Listen intently: Be present when you are listening to your children. Make eye contact with your children when they are speaking to you. As parents, our attention is often pulled in so many directions simultaneously, and it can be a big challenge to focus on one thing at a time. So many things tug on our sleeves at once. And if we can give our children our full attention when they speak to us, especially if it is about something that is important to them, they’ll know that they are a priority to us.
-Listen with an open mind: Try to refrain from making a judgement about what your child is saying. Rather than making up your mind about what your child is going to say to you before they have even completed what they are saying, listen with curiosity. Give your child a chance to express things from his or her point of view without it being clouded by your judgement. This is not to say that you won’t hold limits or that you won’t share your input later, but do allow your child the space to share what is in their heart. For now, just notice and observe what your child wants to communicate.
-Refrain from interrupting: Can you listen to your child without completing your child’s sentence? Allow your child to express herself or himself fully. This can take a significant amount of patience! Know that the pauses in the conversation are valuable, and if you don’t jump to fill them in they can allow your child to deepen further into what they are wanting to express.
-Refrain from comparison: Refrain from comparing your child to a sibling, another child or to yourself. Again, allowing your child’s self-expression to belong to himself or herself, without it needing to be compared to someone else’s reality.
If you can practice even one of these components of compassion listening that’s fantastic. If you can bring all four elements in - great! Do what you can and what comes to mind in the moment. Remember to be kind and gentle on yourself - this is a practice.
When I first started consciously practicing this compassionate listening skill with my children I was amazed at the sense of ease and connection it brought to our relationship. One night I was giving my daughter her goodnight snuggle and she broached the topic of wanting to be homeschooled. We moved to the town where we’re living largely in part because of the school that is here. It was what we were looking for in an education for our children, and after already having lived here a number of years, it was an anchor for us in our community here.
Before bringing compassionate listening into our lives, my immediate reaction to my daughter telling me she wanted to be homeschooled would have been an immediate “no way!” I probably would have made sure straight away to tell her that was not within the realm of possibility. And admittedly, when this conversation took place, I did feel the “no way” arising internally. Luckily I had the presence of mind to notice my reaction and choose to approach the conversation with a sense of curiosity. I asked her about the reasons she wanted to be homeschooled and what she imagined it would be like. How would it make her feel and what did she imagine she would gain from it?
(By the way, I’m not opposed to homeschooling. We have several friends who homeschool their children, and it works brilliantly for them. For our family, homeschooling didn’t fit for various reasons at the time.)
By the end of our conversation my daughter felt heard rather than shut down. And I felt connected. By the way, I didn’t give her an answer in the moment. Actually, just being able to express what was on her mind and to be listened to was enough for her.
When I am able to do this (which is not always - it is a practice after all), I come closer to fitting with my vision of being a less reactive parent, which means that I feel better about myself. And when I feel better about myself, I am more available for my children. When I’m more available for my children our relationship is calmer and more connected, and it becomes a self-perpetuating positive feedback loop.
The funny thing is, when little brother heard about his older sister wanting to be homeschooled, he decided he wanted to do the same. He said to me, “Mama, if I were homeschooled, you’d be my favourite teacher!” Words to melt a mama’s heart.
And you know, whether we homeschool or not, we always are our children’s most important teachers. And if you can practice compassionate listening and model it for your children, like magic your children will learn that skill by osmosis. And whether your children are listening to you compassionately or you to them, it is so connecting and wonderful.