Family Legacies

I have always felt a strong connection to my Norwegian and Swedish ancestry. As a young girl I was given dolls in Scandinavian outfits, had Norwegian troll figurines to play with, was read books of Swedish fairy tales while snuggled up in Scandinavian quilts, and my Grammy always baked a million-trillion-gazillion kringla, lefse and rosettes for us.

Even before I ever went to Scandinavia to visit I had a sense of it being my place, and once I was there I felt like I’d found my people. I’ve had grand dreams for our family to spend a year living in Sweden or Norway - and that’s still on my bucket list. Somehow I must have passed on my love for our roots to my daughter, who felt inspired to go on a student exchange to Norway last year.

We just got back from a family reunion - a cousin fest- in California last week. It was a grand gathering of aunties, uncles, cousins, second cousins. One night we even had a Swedish themed dinner evening in celebration of our heritage. My daughter plaited my hair and even adorned the braids with flowers to fit the occasion.

My auntie, who is in the process of doing her ‘Swedish death cleaning,’ passed along some gorgeous family heirlooms to me. Though not the most practical or lightweight items to bring home on an overseas flight, I returned home with my great grandparents’ cast iron krumkake iron (see a photo of the yummy krumkake before we rolled them), my great grandfather’s cast iron coffee grinder (see it hanging on our kitchen wall in the photo below?), and an album containing, in chronological order, love letters that my grandparents had written to each other. These are such treasures to me, and I deeply appreciate the connection that using these household objects creates between me and my ancestors.

In my Māori language class we have been working all year on building our mihimihi, which is the way one introduces oneself at a gathering. It’s a way to share with others a bit about yourself - where you come from, who your ancestors are, what your heritage is. It’s a way for others to discover what sort of connections they might share with you. We are building our vocabulary more and more and have just begun to arrive at the place where we can speak a bit about our heritage and our ancestors.

So, my ancestors have been on my mind in a few different areas of my life. And also on my mind are my descendants and what my husband and I pass on to them. Tonight my shoulder had a knot in it and my daughter lovingly offered to give it a massage and while she did that she sang Norwegian songs to me. It was such a lovely experience on many levels. For one, it felt amazing to have my sore shoulder worked on, and I also marveled at the tenderness and love that was coming through her. I’m sure our Norwegian ancestors would smile to know that although our family came through America and then on to New Zealand, something of their culture and their lives was still living through their descendants.

Do you ever think about your descendants and what you are passing on to them? In my work as a parenting coach I assist people to identify and transform familial patterns that they may have inherited from their parents, their grandparents, or even generations further back. I feel very moved when parents identify patterns that they want to shift and when I see them on the path to creating new ways of being in their families. It is possible to influence generations downstream by the way you are parenting today.

If you are keen to discover new ways of parenting, to change familial patterns that may not be serving you, if you seek deeper connection with your children and want to change the parenting track you are on, I can help you.

For those of you that live in the Top of The South Island, my husband and I are offering an 8-week parenting class, beginning next Wednesday evening, August 7 in Motueka. And for those of you that live further afield, or who want one on one support, I offer individual coaching over the phone or Skype

Some of the things I’d like to pass on as our family legacy are kindness, compassion, empathy, patience and emotional intelligence (alongside the family quilts, recipes, krumkake irons and cast iron coffee grinders). What is it that you’d like to pass on to your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren and beyond?

Lighting The Fire

Last night my son lit a fire under me to do something I wouldn't normally do. It was only because of his urging and encouraging that I did it, and I only did it for his benefit.

Some friends invited us to a lovely mid-winter Christmas party at their home last night.  (If you're reading this from the Northern Hemisphere, Christmas celebrations in June probably seem bizarre.  But to someone like me, who grew up with Christmas in winter, it was nostalgic, cosy and nourishing to have a Christmas-like celebration with friends now, while it is winter in New Zealand.)  

After convivial catch-ups with friends, we all shared a pot-luck meal (everything vegan!) and afterwards were treated to some live entertainment.

Most of the people at the party have a connection to our Steiner School community, and there are some very talented folks among that crowd.  We were regaled with performances on the mbira, acapella singing, a guitar and singing trio, and a recorder duo.  Our hostess, eager for more guests to share their talents, asked if anybody else wanted to perform a piece.

I turned to my pre-teen son, encouraging him to get up and play the guitar for us.  He's been learning the guitar for a few years now and is progressing quite nicely.  In my mind, it would be wonderful for him to busk at the local Sunday market to begin raising funds for his trip to Norway in three year's time, but he doesn't feel up to it, or other public performance yet.

Suddenly the tables turned and my son was pulling me up out of my seat to go play the guitar for the audience.  See, the thing is, he has given me exactly one lesson on the guitar so far, and it was already several weeks ago.  He began teaching me the first few bars of the song, "Smoke On The Water."

My resistance arose quickly.  The old thought patterns began to course through my mind, and they had a lot to do with not wanting to make a fool of myself in front of others.  Somehow though, another voice rang out loudly in my mind, telling me to "do it for my son."

I would love to set the example for my children of acting courageously.

So I did it.

I plucked out the few bars I know of "Smoke On The Water."  I didn't even do it right - and, for that matter, I didn't do it well either.  Yet, I lived to tell about it anyway.  I caught sight of my son's face and he was absolutely glowing with excitement.

Later when I was giving him a goodnight snuggle in his bed, he told me he thought it was cool that I got up to play the guitar in front of all the party guests.  In his estimation, there aren't many mums who play the guitar. He also remarked that when he sees adults on stage playing an instrument, they only do so if they're very skilled but not if they're only still learning and not very good.  "No offence mum" (his words).  

Hearing that feedback, and finding out that it had been meaningful to him, I was so pleased that I took the chance and that I did it for him.

It caused me to reflect on how I'm willing to do something in my children's interest that I might not do for only my own benefit.  Getting outside to the park for some fresh air, or making a proper and nutritious meal I'll readily do for my children's good, but might not otherwise do for myself.  But, I end up gaining from the effort that was intended for my children. 

As parents, we carry so many patterns that we have learned from our parents, that they learned from their parents and so on.  So these patterns get passed down through the generations.  These might be patterns of how we communicate with others, how we accept others, how we cope with challenges, how we react to stress, et cetera.  

How many parents decide they would like to change these patterns for themselves, and how many take action to do so?

Ah, but when parents see the impact these patterns have on their children, they become more motivated to seek change.  They will do it for their children's sake.

If something in your parent-child relationship is lighting a fire under you to seek transformation, take action.  

Book your free half-hour consultation now:  https://calendly.com/heartconnectionparenting

I am here to offer you guidance and support on your journey.  

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children.